Really? I mean… really?

“Gosh, I’ve dreamed of a wedding just like this all my life!  I’m in a cheap, ugly blue dress (hey! it’s old, borrowed and blue!) with a handful of fake flowers and my new husband is already berating me about something!  Who needs a church and a cathedral train and ten attendants and a band for the reception and a flower girl and a five-tier cake?  I’m good right here!  No, I am NOT about to cry!  I FEEL GREAT!  GREAT, I TELL YOU!!”

Have a lovely Monday!

Proper dress, 101

Here at StarvingWriteNow we’re all about dressing properly for the weather.  And since it’s a balmy 16 degrees here this morning, I feel compelled to put on my Mom Hat:

Okay, fine, you’re burning with the fires of love.  But it looks like its winter there too, young lady.  So march yourself back up to your room and put on some LONG SLEEVES.  Oh, and, LoverBoy?  That cloak?  It’s supposed to be COVERING her, protecting her from the elements!  And where are her gloves and hat and scarf?

And YOU!  Yes, yes, both of you!  WTF???  Where is your winter gear?  I hope you idiots put snowpants and parkas on your registry!

Happy Monday, and stay warm!

Hillbillies Need Love Too

Them cute li’l youngins kept on a-beggin’, so Rupert drug hisself away from the still, slicked back his mullet, grabbed a fishin’ pole and a bucket o’ grubs and took ‘em fishin.

“If’n this don’t get me laid tonight,” he was heard to say, “nothin’ will!”

Happy Monday!

Night People

Are you a morning person, or a night person?

Yes,  I realize asking this question may be tantamount to starting a Holy War, but there it is.

I am–with the exception of my college years–a morning person.  I wake up early, I’m cheerful, ambitious, ready for anything (after coffee, naturally).  I love the world most in the early morning, before people are really up and about and it’s quiet outside.  The birds will twitter a bit, the other wildlife is rustling sleepily and there is peace and harmony all around.  Yes, morning person, all the way.

On the other side of the spectrum, there are the night people.  Like, for example, my neighbor’s wife.  Who, for the past two weeks, has come out of the house at 10 p.m., sometimes later, to shovel snow.

10 p.m.  Or LATER.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t give a hoot.  However, my bedroom is right next to their driveway.  So I’m lying in bed reading, or trying to drift off, to the melodic strains of SSSSCCCCCRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAPPPPING, over and over again.  She is even out there when it hasn’t snowed!  I think there’s a little OCD going on, or maybe she’s never encountered snow, or soemthing….

I could go out and say something, but there’s one small problem:  she doesn’t speak English very well, if at all.  In fact I think she’s from way out past the backwoods nowhere in her home country.  She actually has an outside broom made of a tree branch.  I’m not kidding.  Anyway, the husband comes home around 11 and they will go inside and quiet will descend once again.  Until the next night.  She, obviously,  is a night person.

Which side of the clock are you on?  And does it bug you when others aren’t on the same time table as you?

What the…?

It’s a one-dimensional guy in a window floating in the fog in front of a carriage.  And he’s the greatest lover?  How does he get out of that window?  Where’s the rest of the house?  Where’s the rest of his body?  Does he have any arms??

And the carriage driver!  That poor fellow is brandishing his whip like a lion tamer!  Is he fending off Flat Stanley?  Is he seeing a ghost?  Will he be scarred for life?  What is going on here???  Arrgh!!

That’s it, I’m done.  I need some visine, an aspirin, and another cup of coffee.

Happy Monday!

Thirteen Resolutions I Won’t Be Making

I couldn’t decide between the stable girl and the housekeeper.  Really, I couldn’t, even though there were tycoons and fortunes on the line.  I’m never good at making resolutions anyway–like many have said already, resolutions pretty much set the average person up to fail.  So instead of focusing on what I could do, how about we talk instead about what I won’t be doing? This year,  I WILL NOT:

1.  Run with the bulls at Pamplona.  I won’t even dust off my passport.

2.  Win the lottery.  As I never play, this one’s in the bag.

3.  Keep my house clean.  Please.   I live with a teenage son.  It’s like shoveling during a blizzard.

4.  Have the perfect lawn.  However, my vegetable garden will kick ass.

5.  Skydive.  Definitely in the “never” category.

6.  Edge my driveway completely.  I love how this looks, but it’s a lot of work!

7.  Get out of debt.  (snort!)

8.  Lose weight.  I’m heavier than I’ve been in a long time, but I feel good and frankly, I don’t need the guilt.

9.  Attain actual abs.  I’ve got “flabs”.  It’s okay.

10.  Eat better.  I do manage this somewhat, but it’s never perfect.

11.  Stop drinking alcoholic beverages or coffee. (again, snort!)

12.  Tell the world what I really think.  The temptation is mighty some days.  But I don’t like hurting others.

13.  Be responsible for bringing peace to the world.  Just keeping my little corner peaceful is enough work.

What resolutions will you not make this year?

New Year’s Choices

Yes, the New Year is almost upon us, and it’s time to make some serious decisions.  Will you eat right and exercise, OR……

…become the playboy sheikh’s virgin stable girl?

Will you get those closets organized, OR…

…be impregnated by a Tuscan tycoon while posing as his housekeeper?

Will you resolve to be nicer to friends, family & coworkers, OR…

…go for BOTH–virginity and a love child!!

Quick, now, the clock is ticking!  Choose!

And have a Happy New Year!

Christmas Wishes

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas…

(…and a red mini Santa dress over my impossibly tiny waist.)

Just like the ones I used to know… Where the treetops glisten…

(…and the tree goes down for the count!)

And children listen… to hear sleigh bells in the snow…

(trust me, those aren’t sleigh bells in their diapers…)

Happy Monday, and Merry Christmas!

Thirteen Days of Christmas

It’s like the Twelve Days Of Christmas, only better!!  I’ve been thinking about thirteen gifts I’ve been given this year.  Though they’re not accurate in quantity, like the song, (and in no particular order either!)I”m still gonna count them down like they were.  Feel free to sing along!

(On the thirteenth day of Christmas my true love gave to meeee…)

13. A job–even after all the budget woes here, I still have a job that I love.

12.  Christmas with my parents and son this year–I think it’s been at least 12 years since I was “home” for Christmas.

11.  Jobs that Son can do now–he’s old enough, strong enough, tall enough, etc…

10.  Feet of garden–I had some of the best veggies this year ever!

9.  Gray hairs–actually more like 900!  But I look on them like awards for living, learning and growing.

8.  Sturdy Fenceposts–that hold up one awesome fence put in by The Man!

7.  Days a week–of love.  Love love love love love love love!  (The Man is amazing.  Period.)

6.  Classes finished–plus two workshops, huzzah!  I’m almost done!

5.  New recipes I learned that totally rock!  (I’ll share them soon…)

4.   Big projects finished (the tub, the fence and two storm doors)

3.  Super Pets (Bart, Edd and Midnight!)

2.  Awesome people that make life worth living–Son and The Man (both most coolest of dudes)

1.  …and a happy home in O-Hiiii-OOOO!

What gifts have you been given?  And can you put them in a ridiculous song?

Big Love Christmas

Wife and Daughter #1 (sharing that genetic ‘deer-in-headlights’ expression)

…aaaand Wife, Son and Daughter #2.  Wife 2 looks pretty smug.  She either a) is totally clueless that he has a whole other life with a whole other family in a whole other book, or b) totally bitch-slapped Wife 1 not five minutes ago.  Either way, she’s having a Merry Freaking Christmas, people!!

Happy Monday!